There’s never been a time when connecting “inclusively” has been more critical for the planet, since so many in our world are now separated. For the first time in history, the vast majority of Americans are following “shelter-in-place” protocols, which are forcing us to physically disconnect from one another. Fortunately, this doesn’t mean we can’t interact in what we might call “virtual” ways—and from a sociological perspective, it is absolutely essential that we do. It is so important to be there for one another through this crisis, and it is the only way we will all get through successfully. At the same time, however, unconscious bias pulls us in the opposite direction—causing many to be left out and unfairly impacted, when we just stop to think about it.

We Tend To Stand Apart

Let’s be honest—a global pandemic is horrific. And when people are operating from a place of fear, they tend to hunker down and think narrowly, because they’re threatened. This is why many are guilty of hoarding at the grocery store and focusing only on themselves, even though it may not be characteristic of them under normal conditions. But what are the diversity implications when we separate and divide? Well, we’re watching it play out in front of us on a large scale (even though it’s happening all the time), where certain population groups end up more vulnerable. People of color, older people, those with disabilities, less education, fewer resources and opportunities—to name just a few less-advantaged groups—are the ones being hit the hardest. So, if we only think of ourselves and forget to think inclusively, these social disparities will tear us apart when we need to stand together. How can we do this when we’re “social distancing”?

We Can Stay Connected Virtually For Now

Even though we have to follow healthy practices at the moment, it doesn’t mean we can’t reach out in other ways—there are plenty of choices for staying connected while staying safe. One option is to use technology (FaceTime, Skype, email, call, text) that allows us to connect and include. We can even interact at a distance of six feet and through masks when necessary. Here are a few suggestions:  

• Be intentional about selecting someone to connect with. We might think we are naturally inclusive, but being deliberate and focused is best.
• Be more inclusive in your choice of connections. Ask yourself who in your workgroup, your neighborhood, your circle of acquaintances might be feeling left out or less advantaged (it might be a new person, a single person, someone ethnically diverse or with fewer resources). 
• Be faithful checking in, offering support and friendship where you can. If it’s a work relationship, see if you can help with anything; if it’s an older neighbor maybe you can get extra milk at the store to leave on their porch or just give them a call once a week.  

If each of us were to reach out to just one person less included or less privileged than us—the whole world could be connected. This is not a time to fend for ourselves, it is time to care for one another. If you want to learn more about “Practicing Virtual Inclusion” for you or your workplace, ask about arranging a free preview of our online instructor-led course.

Most of us were already anxious about the state of our world when news of the corona-virus suddenly upped the ante—and the resulting panic has impacted everything from the stock market to the price of sanitizer. This increased anxiety seeps into our workplace, our homes, and our schools and becomes a crisis of its own. It is normal to be nervous when we hear bad news, but people have to be sensible in order to manage stressful times successfully. So, how do we find the right balance between caution and overreacting that will enable us to get through this?

The Balancing Act

We have an obligation to act responsibly when it comes to anything that threatens our physical, economic, and psychological well-being. A global outbreak of any disease should be taken seriously, and precautions around the transfer of germs is always a good idea—regardless of the severity of a disease or the likelihood of transmitting it. The danger in these situations is going overboard—and that may be a difficult line to draw. I have a brother who tends to be very low on the “worry scale” and other acquaintances on the high end, but each of us is wired differently. The goal is finding a middle ground where we avoid being so laid back that we become careless or get so worked up that we panic.

Panic Debilitates Outcomes

The most common response during stressful times is nervousness, which can become debilitating because of what it does to us physiologically. Once the fight-or-flight chemical gets released, it activates the limbic brain, where everything is heightened because we feel threatened. Our worries become exaggerated and our thoughts become less rational, which creates a state of panic that will lead to bad outcomes for any business, society, or family. Customers might be edgier, co-workers more distracted, and people might avoid attending meetings, going to school, traveling, or going to restaurants. If fears go unchecked, this may have long-term economic consequences. How do we manage this? 

Calm Facilitates Success

The only way to combat anxiety is to “force calm” on the stress that surrounds us—for our own sake, our loved ones, our teams, and society at large. More than ever, we need mature leaders who can stifle the flow of cortisol in themselves and others by utilizing the more developed part of our brains called the frontal lobe. This is where we regulate our responses instead of simply reacting, and it enables us to make smart decisions with regard to matters that concern us. Make no mistake: it takes a lot of work to strengthen the pathways from our emotional to our thinking brain; but here are some tips from our training on Developing Resilience. When you or the people around you start stressing:

1. Stop the downward spiral by forcing calm. Catch your breath (literally) and try repeating phrases like “stay calm,” “keep it together,” “don’t panic.” Take a break from watching the news or going on social media, and instead play a game or listen to music.
2. Keep perspective by framing events in a larger context and staying grounded. This means weeding out distortions in our thinking. More than ever, we need clear thinking in crises. The world is not coming to end and everyone will not die—especially if we act intelligently.
3. Be positive and solution-focused. Human beings are incredibly resilient and have weathered some unbelievable difficulties. The issue with any challenge is figuring out what to do about it.

In this case, we need to keep it together and act wisely without going to extremes. We will definitely get through this, and it will go down easier if we use the mature part of our brain where solutions abound—we just need to stay in our right mind!

I was recently invited to speak at a college commencement, where I asked the audience to consider three pivotal questions: what does the future hold, what do you want from it, and how do you get it? Those are daunting questions—but I promised to provide the correct answers because I consulted a “fortune teller!” Not the kind who wears a turban and gazes into a crystal ball, but one of those paper devices we made in grade school where you would put your fingers inside to move it back and forth for your prediction. It would tell you who you were going to marry, what car you would drive, what you would be when you grew up, and where you would live. Obviously, vital information when you are still in grade school!

What The Future Holds For You

It is probably no surprise, but the fortune teller’s forecast for my life could not have been more wrong. I am not playing in the NFL, living in Hawaii, or driving a Mustang; but the fortune teller did ultimately teach me how to read the future—for me, for those students, and for you. Here goes: the future will be unlike anything you ever imagined, because it is filled with variables you cannot control. In other words, your future consists of constant changes, and if you don’t learn to manage them effectively—you will have difficulties. I challenge you to print this article and pin it on the wall where you might see it in a few years. I bet you will look back from that vantage point and realize I was right about your future—it involved changes you never expected.

What You Really Want From Your Future

I know it seems bold to suggest I not only know someone’s future but also know what they want from their future—but keep in mind, I consulted the fortune teller. You see, deep inside that paper device when you opened up the last flaps, there was one question of supreme importance: would you be “happy or sad”? Even a grade school kid knows that was all that mattered. What good is having everything you want without happiness? So, that’s the answer to what you want from your future—it’s happiness (contentment or a sense of well-being)—it’s what we all want. Which means the last question is the most important of all: how do we get it? 

How You Can Get What You Want

If our futures are filled with unexpected changes and we want to be happy, there’s only one way to achieve that goal: learn to develop something called resilience, which is the ability to adapt and stay positive. In our training called Developing Resilience, we tell participants it’s not the events in our future that matter, because we can’t control what happens to us. The key is how we process those events, because we do have control over how we respond and how we frame things. If you want 2020 to be the best year yet, remember the unexpected is in the forecast; and if happiness is important to you—it’s all about maintaining a healthy perspective.

There are two subjects we are never supposed to discuss in polite society and one of them is politics. But in today’s heated environment, it’s worth asking—is the absence of friendly dialogue really helping us? People are now “de-friending” those who don’t agree with them on Facebook and selecting news sources that confirm their biases. We don’t have to be sociologists to know this is unhealthy, because it is fragmenting society and impacting the workplace, too. I’m not suggesting our voting preference become an agenda item at the team meeting, but pretending these issues are not bubbling under the surface is naïve. It’s not the mention of politics we should fear—it’s polarization.

What Is Going on Here?

Battle lines have been formed and each side is pushing the other in a corner, creating a “divide and conquer” situation where a family, workplace, or society turns on itself because of differences—to the delight of our enemies and our competition. By feeding the biases we already have (or planting some) and then vilifying the other side, our ability to interact in a healthy way is compromised. Even those of us who want to avoid the fray get pulled in; and when we’re provoked, the “fight or flight” chemical gets released, which distorts our perspective and emotions. We are no longer behaving rationally, and we start doing things that provoke the other side. It’s a vicious cycle that’s been playing out politically for years—even if it’s masked a bit at work. But differences don’t have to separate us if we manage them,  and doing so may allow us to prevent 2020 from becoming unbearable.

What Can We Do About It?

Here are some suggestions for keeping the peace at work and elsewhere.

1. Be respectful—even when others choose not to be. This means being considerate and kind around this subject but also discreet. Give thought to whom you speak with, what you say, and when you say it, because being judicious will increase your credibility.
2. Be calm—don’t get hooked by the cortisol. Resist getting worked up or saying things that are provocative (it’s unproductive anyway).
3. Be fair—both sides need to stop exaggerating and check their facts. Try to be balanced and objective by not believing everything you hear that happens to support your position. This means recognizing your bias and refusing to defend what you’d consider wrong if the opposing party did it.
4. Be understanding—we don’t have to agree with someone to accept them, and sometimes friendly disagreement can be healthy. We certainly aren’t going to convert others by attacking them, and nobody wins when we stop communicating.

In closing, whatever our politics, we can’t give in to divisiveness. We need to be a voice for sanity. If this is a topic of interest for you, consider joining me for a free one-hour webinar on “Dealing with Incivility and Promoting Respect at Work” on January 22nd at 1pm EST. In the meantime, let’s start 2020 with a commitment to healthier dialogue.  

We live in a world where we’re constantly being “sized up” to determine whether we’re smart enough, good enough, and strong enough. Do we have what it takes for this task, this role, or this job? From the moment we start school and throughout our careers, we’re being sorted to determine if we belong in the advanced group. At work, we identify the “high potentials” as opposed to the “rank and file,” and organizations spend energy trying to locate the “top talent” while everyone else feels defeated because they weren’t picked due to test scores or mediocre performance on an assignment. Unfortunately, these selection processes determine the trajectory of many careers and are a waste of human resources. Just because someone ranks in the middle should not be a statement of who they are (it’s where they are); and just because other companies do it doesn’t mean it’s right or efficient. Do we believe that only some are capable of success—or do we believe everyone has high potential?

The Relevant Research on Success

Unfortunately, many of us have bought in to a long-standing idea that some have it (and some don’t), even though current research tells us this is untrue. In reality, some are chosen because they may be farther along at a point in time—and some are not. Therefore, some have opportunities and some don’t, but occasionally a so-called “exception” slips through, which reveals something important. We tend to think people like Einstein or Michael Jordan were born “gifted,” so we look for “gifted” people and wonder if we are among them. In fact, Einstein’s parents thought he had a learning disability because he was slow to talk. He did average in most subjects, and even flunked his university entrance exam. Jordan was infamously cut from his varsity basketball team because he wasn’t good enough. What’s the deal? Studies show that it’s not about natural-born talent, it’s about what you do with what you’ve been given.

The Actual Road to Success

We may start at different places, but where we end up boils down to two things: motivation and diligence—which means almost anyone can do almost anything if they want it bad enough and are willing to work hard when given the opportunity. This means opportunity and encouragement are also essential, since we’re more motivated when we’re recognized and more inclined to work harder, too. But don’t let your success depend on others. Try to stay motivated and work hard at what you want. There are no instant Olympians or virtuosos—everyone who has ever “made it” had to keep trying and never give up. In our class called Achieving Exceptional Results, we tell people don’t focus on your abilities (what you can do now), focus on your capabilities (what you can do over time). Becoming successful is possible for everyone, regardless of background, and we need to start seeing ourselves and others in that light. 

Earlier this year, I was asked to conduct a webinar for a group of HR leaders at one of the Big Three automakers. They wanted to know, from my 25 years serving various companies, what I felt was working or not working when it came to addressing harassment. I told them, in the wake of so many high-profile cases and movements like #MeToo, it was clear most efforts were on the “not working” side of things. Here are some thoughts on changing that picture.

CARING FOR PEOPLE WILL PROTECT YOUR IMAGE

The first priority is determining the priority. Most businesses think their public relations will be negatively impacted if any hint of harassment is ever mentioned, so they contribute to a culture of secrecy and cover up when it comes to these issues. Leaders and employees get the idea that addressing problems is a problem, when the exact opposite should be communicated. There is even a belief that HR folks are more interested in protecting the company’s reputation than protecting the people who make up the company. For instance, when McDonald’s fired their CEO, they were acknowledging that the way to protect their reputation is to protect their people. Nothing will change until that is the priority.

KEEP A POSITIVE FOCUS

Another suggestion is to put emphasis on the ultimate outcome we hope to achieve—a healthier workplace. Initiatives that are framed negatively tend to turn people off, and “anti-harassment” is a double negative which can create a lot of resistance. We all know that telling people what not to do will often have the opposite effect—like telling someone not to look. So, if the goal is healthy behavior, then why not make that the focus? For example, we call our training Healthy Boundaries: Encouraging Positive Behavior at Work, and people actually look forward to attending. You can still talk about misbehavior, but remind people what they gain by choosing what is best. Current research suggests zero tolerance policies are ineffective anyway because people need to be inspired to change—so keep a positive focus.  

MAKE THE CASE LOGICAL, NOT LEGAL

I have a brother who is an attorney (so the following statement is not personal): reading people the law is not always the best way to get them on board. Most of those who are in a business setting are better served by using business logic, like weighing the performance impact and the value of making others safe. There’s nothing wrong with legal information, but even lawyers have a hard time understanding where the line is—and sometimes making that the issue will provoke troublemakers to see how close to the line they can get. People don’t have to know the law to know when they’re uncomfortable, and that’s enough to be a concern—whether it is legal or not.  

FINAL THOUGHTS

In concluding my webinar for the automobile industry, I had several other suggestions that I’d be glad to send your way if you’re interested. Feel free to email me at ralph.brandt@rdrgroup.com or send me a LinkedIn message. In the meantime, I believe there has never been a better time to address these issues. 

If you could say something to someone and know for certain they would hear it, what would you say and to whom? Maybe you would say things to a few different people—your loved ones, your coworkers or even your customers. But most of us don’t really say what we want to say—and if we do, we’re not always saying it in a way that others receive terribly well. My company designed a training called How to Speak Up and How to Take Feedback because we discovered that the two go together. Speaking is useless when people don’t hear it, and so is taking feedback when people aren’t telling you the truth. Unfortunately, humans are often conditioned to resist feedback and not speak honestly at times.

THERE ARE BARRIERS TO SAYING IT                                  

Most of us learn at an early age that feedback can be painful, judgmental, and even mean. So, when someone asks if they can give us some feedback, our immediate reaction is “no.” This is why people have a hard time hearing us. By the same token, we may have discovered that saying what we’re really thinking gets us in trouble a lot of times and it’s better to keep quiet. That’s why people stop speaking up. The consequence of these experiences is stress on all sides of the communication process, which releases fight or flight chemicals in our brain. This means our interactions are greatly inhibited unless we feel incredibly safe and at ease—which gives us insight into speaking in such a way that people listen.

FIND YOUR VOICE AND BE HEARD

If you want to be heard, you would do well to keep a couple things in mind. First, reverse your thinking about speaking up, because our natural fears tend to steer us wrong (or to quote Seinfeld, “whatever you think, do the opposite”). For example, don’t focus on what you could lose by saying something, focus on what you could gain. Don’t base your speaking up on whether you’ll be heard, but on whether it needs to be said. Don’t obsess about what could happen if you say something, consider what could happen if you don’t. Second, work at making others feel safe—which means removing defensiveness. Don’t say: “Try not to be defensive!”—it will stress them out. Instead, assure them of your positive intent by not being accusatory; if you need to point something out, don’t critique them, just describe what you see. Instead of saying: “You just don’t get it,” try “I think we both want the same thing” and start from there. Making someone feel safe is about building rapport long before you speak, and your odds of being heard increase immensely if you’re a likeable person. In the end, it may have more to do with who you are than what you say. 

For more tips, ask about our course on Speaking Up. 

Oftentimes when training leaders how to develop trust, I’ll ask if they think it’s important to be liked. Occasionally someone blurts out: “I don’t care if people like me, as long as they respect me” (and you can tell by the way they say it—no one likes them!). But let’s be honest, it’s hard to respect someone you don’t like, and it’s hard to like someone you don’t respect—the two go together. It’s no surprise then that we are also more inclined to trust people we like. And just to be clear—we are not talking about people who want to be liked at all costs—we are talking about people who recognize that being likable is critical to building trust and achieving their goals.

TRUST FACILITATES SUCCESS

One of the most successful people on the planet is Warren Buffett (CEO of Berkshire Hathaway), and it’s no coincidence he’s also one of the most trusted. In the book The Speed of Trust, Stephen Covey says trust is the secret to Buffett’s success and shares an example where he “completed the acquisition of a Wal-Mart distribution arm called McClane Distribution for $23 billion—a process that normally takes months and costs millions for accountants, auditors and lawyers to verify information. The deal was made with one two-hour meeting and a handshake.” Can you imagine all the time, money, and effort saved in just one day when people trust each other in that way?

BEING LIKABLE FACILITATES TRUST

There’s a short clip on YouTube of Buffett being interviewed in India, where you get a sense of what kind of person he is and why he’s liked so much. He’s not stuck up or full of himself—he’s warm and down to earth, giving credit to his colleagues and sharing how much he enjoys working with them. Then he offers some advice on how to do business. He recommends making a list of people you like and what you like about them. He suggests these people are usually positive, upbeat, helpful, and fun to be with. He also says: make a list of people you don’t like and why. He mentions these people usually take credit for things they didn’t do, they may be unreliable, difficult, and dishonest. Then he adds, if you don’t like these qualities in others, don’t allow them in yourself—but try to be like those you admire because it is winsome.

HOW TO BE MORE LIKED AND TRUSTED

In our workshop The Power of Trust, we ask participants to consider some of the likable and unlikable traits that either help or hinder their own success. For some of them, their trust issues have nothing to do with being honest and everything to do with being nice. If you want to build greater trust with your team, your customers, and your boss—take a tip from one of the world’s most successful business leaders—become a more likable person.

What are some of the likable and unlikable traits that either help or hinder your success? Send me a message and let me know!

In the wake of so many tragic shootings, it’s hard to deny that violence is all around us—at work, in society, and everywhere we turn. We live in an agitated world where tensions are high, and people act out in unhealthy ways through not only physical attacks but also flaring tempers and other acts of “incivility” from subtle to overt. Fortunately, most of us are unlikely to be the victim of a shooting; but a recent study found that 84% of Americans experience some form of incivility about 10 times a week. These incidents are often work-related involving rude stares, angry comments, open hostility, and everything in between. We see it in airports, offices, hospitals, and every other industry—but the average employee is not equipped to deal with it.

IT’S EFFECT ON PEOPLE AND WORK

This growing incivility impacts our brain chemistry and releases cortisol (the fight or flight chemical) because we feel threatened. Even hearing about hostile behavior in the news can leave us so depressed we have to turn away—and at work, it compromises our ability to think, innovate, and perform. Christine Porath, who studies this topic, found that workers who indirectly witness incivility exhibited a 25% reduction in productivity, made 45% fewer contributions, and were 5 times more likely to make mistakes. The current climate of “agitation” makes us feel anxious, unsafe, and more sensitive. This is not only true for employees but also for customers. People are more unsettled than they used to be, and psychologists claim there’s a decrease in “impulse control” so they are acting out more. This can soon lead to escalation because agitated people tend to agitate people – who tend to agitate back. If organizations don’t teach people how to deal with this problem, it’s going to be an even bigger problem.

HERE’S WHAT WE CAN DO

We have to teach people how to be more civil and how to deal with those who are not. Being more civil has to do with reducing our own cortisol by not overreacting to the strains of work that allow our emotional (or primitive) brain to take control. This requires calming ourselves when situations get to us, and trying to use our thinking (or mature) brain to respond. The more we overreact, the stronger the emotional brain becomes, and that is where people’s thinking becomes distorted and extreme. When we calm those feelings and try to think rationally, we strengthen the mature brain, allowing us to respond wisely. This is also how we deal with those who are uncivil, because calm people tend to calm people – who tend to calm down. This is not a panacea; but addressing situations before they get out of control could go a long way in reducing incivility, so in our training program on civility and respect we have created a 3-step acronym called N-O-T to deal with it. 

1. Note it: don’t ignore incivility.
2. Overcome reluctance: the excuses to turn away.
3. Take action: say or do something before it gets worse (and if it’s egregious, get help). 

There’s no doubt the world needs mature people, more than ever, to step up and be a voice for civility.  

Approaches to diversity have changed, but there is one constant: a desire to know whether training really changes people. So, we decided to initiate a landmark study to find out with help from two clients—a major health system and a prominent university. The hospital was willing to be the laboratory, my company provided the training, and the university is conducting the research. Our goal is to see if there is any scientifically measurable difference in those trained to be inclusive and committed to practicing it.

DIVERSITY AS A PERCEIVED THREAT

Unfortunately, when it comes to issues of diversity, humans are fairly predictable. Not only are we tribal, but when we encounter others who are not of our tribe—meaning a different race, gender, whatever—it is usually perceived as a threat that registers biochemically as a “stress response.” From a work perspective, this is a concern, because when our brain chemistry is negative it not only creates tension but inhibits performance. 

A CHANGE IN PERCEPTION

Of course, the more uncomfortable we are around people we perceive as different, the more stress we exhibit; but studies show when we have familiarity with just one person from another group it can reduce stress levels when we are with other people from that group. What a discovery—and perhaps the secret to changing our interactions for the better. Incidentally, increased comfortability will also improve our success in a diverse world. So, how can training accomplish this and how can we prove it? It starts with training that is based not only in information, but in behavior change.

IT’S NOT ABOUT WHAT WE KNOW

Unfortunately, too many diversity programs are only discussions—but in a work environment, people need to know what to do. It might be compared to improving our health. Going to a class on nutrition will not make us fit: we have to change our behaviors to see results. It’s not what we know, it’s what we do that matters; and our success is measurable.

IT’S ABOUT WHAT WE DO

For this reason, we designed a workshop that looks at behaviors that create “disconnects” and tend to increase cortisol. These disconnects often occur because of differences, and are problematic because they impact employee engagement and customer relations. Fortunately, there are counter-behaviors that are more inclusive which improve outcomes we can measure through neuroscience. By focusing on these behaviors, we can do more than just train people—we can give them follow-up practices that reduce tension levels. Here’s how we plan to prove it.

THE CONNECTING PROJECT

We’ll begin by measuring the biochemistry of 100 people when interacting with those of a different race. Half of them will then go through our training and commit to follow-up practices for two months. This involves intentional effort to interact more inclusively. Finally, we will re-test all 100 participants during interracial interactions to see if their cortisol levels have changed.

WHAT WE CAN FINALLY SAY

What we anticipate is a reduction in stress as measured biochemically for those who are trained and do the activities. This would suggest that training coupled with inclusive practices leads to increased comfortability, which leads to greater inclusion. If the results turn out as expected, it will prove diversity training can change people if they act on it. In addition, the improved interactions mean better outcomes.